First topic message reminder :

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the
worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student;
but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;

and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

:LMHO:A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
...
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

:LMHO:Teacher: Johnny simple maths, you have 10 snickers bars and I have 4 snickers bars.
I take your ten snickers bars and add them to my snickers bars
and then sell them all to Jane for 10 pence each.
What would I get?

During my shift at Boots yesterday a bloke walked in to collect some naked photographs of his wife.

I said "
Would you like the negatives as well?"


"
Yes Please"
he replies.

I said "
OK. She's got droopy boobs and a fat bum"


[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

:LMHO:I was working at the supermarket today, when a customer approached me with a can of insect killer. "
is this good for wasps?"
he said..."
well no"
I responded, "
it flipping kills them!"

:Very funny 2:I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.

"
A spa would be nice"
she replied.

"
Ok"
I said, jabbing her in the nose three times, "
You'll have to be quicker than that."



:Very funny 2:In my local pub having a meal.....i thought id try the Irish mixed Grill.........New Potatoes, Roast Potatoes, Boiled Potatoes, Mashed Potatoes, Waffles, Hash Browns &
Chips.....

:LMHO:A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her.

"
Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."


When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "
This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"


"
You have to spell a word,"
Saint Peter told her.

"
Which word?"
the woman asked.

"
Love."


The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

I'm surprised to see you,"
the woman said. "
How have you been?"


"
Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,"
her husband told her. I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"


"
You have to spell a word,"
the woman told him.

"
Which word?"
her husband asked.

"
Czechoslovakia."

he Night Nurse


A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted cashier, and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great.....some asshole's got my pen!'

SEE WHAT MEN HAVE TO PUT UP WITH - oh so abused!
NAG, NAG, NAG....
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,--- 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
>
"
Hello."
"
Mrs. Sanders, please."

>
"
Speaking."

>
"
Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Saunders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

>
"
What do you mean?"
Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
>
"
Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

>
"
That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?"
questioned Mrs. Saunders.
>
"
Normally we can, but the NHS will only pay for these expensive tests once."

>
"
Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

>
The NHS Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't shag him."

I was served a vodka and orange with ice on Friday night.

Excuse me waiter but i do not take ice in my drink please change my drink..

Waiter replied why.?....My reply Ice is dangerous .

Waiter replied, sir Ice is just frozen water it can not be dangerous .

My reply.. Ice is dangerous .It sunk the Titantic .. please change my drink..

Cool TNTI I have moved this post here so it is in line with the others jokes

If you download a movie illegally in Jamaica, does that make you a Pirate of the Caribbean?

:LMHO:A couple of years after the 2nd World War, on a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating an Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"
You English are so bloody stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip puts you above the rest of us. Look at me...I'm ME. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied "
How awfully sporting of your mother old chap!!

:LMHO:A Stupid guy sent SMS to his BOSS:
"
Me sick, no work"

Boss SMS back:
"
When I am sick I kiss my wife try it you might feel good"

2 hours later The Stupid guy sms 2 boss:
"
Me ok, ur wife very sweet"

You gotta love him!
Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully.

If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.

If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2,
how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!

A very angry Teacher: Where the in hell do you get seven from?!?!?

Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a f----n' cat

"
A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'"