First topic message reminder :

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the
worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student;
but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;

and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

[size=150:2wu0oyoq]Smiles


[size=150:2wu0oyoq]Bulgarian Husbands


A Bulgarian lad came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.

"
Wonderful,"
replies his mother, "
what part is it?"


The boy says, "
I play the part of the Bulgarian husband."


The mother scowls and says, "
Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"
What are you doing?!"
she asked.
"
I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work,"
the daughter-in- law answered.
"
But you're naked!"
the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"
This is my love dress,"
the daughter-in-law explained.
"
Love dress? But you're naked!"

"
Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress,"
she explained."
It excites him to no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.
He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights,
put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"
What are you doing?"
he asked.
"
This is my love dress,"
she whispered sensually.
"
Needs ironing,"
he said. "
What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.

A mate of mine set me up on a blind date. He said "
She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know ... she's expecting a baby"
.

I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing just a nappy. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Here's one for you ????

fab Admin

Paddy took two stuffed dogs He had onto the Antiques Roadshow.....

"
Ooh,"
Said the presenter, "
This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were in good condition?"
.....

"
Sticks?"
He replied.

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So,
how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets
are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but
I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other
two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them
on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain..'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.. She felt that
having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically
balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this,
you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed
only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up
right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all
the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her
bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How
could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I
put that useless Tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

I was being chatted up by a right ugly bird in the pub last night. She said to me 'Have you got a nickname?'l said "
Yes, my mates call me 'the sledge'She giggled and said 'Is that cos you're a smooth ride?'l said "
No, it's because l always get pulled by dogs"

I crashed my car into the back of another car when it stopped suddenly. My front end was wrecked, I got out and so did the driver of the other car. When he got out I saw that he was a dwarf. He said 'I'M NOT HAPPY' So I said, Well which one are you then?

Two monkeys in a bath and one said OOH OHH ARRHH ARRHH OOH OHH, and the other said ' Well, if its that hot get out'

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.


Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.


What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities..
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in Grade 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18..


What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.


What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F..... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..'

:LMHO:I was driving my Coach back to the UK from France when I was stopped by a customs officer at Calais.

"
Are you carrying anything on board that you shouldn't be?"
he asked.

"
No,"
I said.

"
Right,"
he said, "
So you don't have any cigarettes?"


"
No,"
I replied again, as he opened the side locker.

"
What about these?"
he said, smiling at me.

"
I'm not sure,"
I replied, staring at the 20 illegal immigrants in the hold, "
Do any of you have cigarettes?"

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . .. . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
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Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!