First topic message reminder :

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the
worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student;
but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;

and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Subject: Government Job!

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "
Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "
Yes, caffeine."
"
Have you ever been in the military service?"
"
Yes,"
he says, "
I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "
That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "
Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "
Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles... The interviewer grimaces and then says, "
O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "
If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?"
"
This is a government job,"
the interviewer says, "
For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

NEW - Miracle Cure!
· Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
· Do you suffer from shyness?
· Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

However, White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine.

However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNING:

The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The consumption of White Wine is a major factor in dancing like a idiot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The consumption of White Wine may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!

Oddy

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a

helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not

strong enough to carry them all, so they decided

that one had to leave, because otherwise they were

all going to fall. They weren't able to name that

person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the

rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up

everything for her husband and kids or for men in

general, and was used to always making sacrifices

with little in return. As soon as she finished her

speech, all the men started clapping.

Oddy

THE BEST BLOND JOKE EVER

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:

"
How many D's are there in "
INDIANA JONES"
"
?
The brunette thinks for a second and responds "
One"
.

The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.

The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "
How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"
?
She immediately says "
One"
. The interviewer says, "
OK, we'll let you know"
.

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "
How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"
.
She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "
2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm – wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"


After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "
Thirty two"


The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "
Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"


To hear her response to the question "
How many D's are in Indiana Jones? Double -Click this 
she sang da da da da -------- da da daa etc etc indiana jones theme etc etc

This happens to me almost every day in Balchik

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] ... r_embedded

Oh my word I have not laughed so much for ages thanks a million George that is just fantastic,

Oddy

Teachers &
Cops:

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3.. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "
You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."


2. "
Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."


3. "
If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."


4. "
If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."


5.. "
Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
(LOVE IT)

6. "
You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
(MY FAVORITE)

7. "
Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"


8. "
Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."


9. "
The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"


10. "
Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."


11. "
Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."


12. "
In God we trust;
all others we run through NCIC."
(National Crime Information Center)

13. "
Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"


14. "
No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."


15. "
I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

One for the golfers. A true sign in a Scottish Golf Club. But read to the very end.

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.


WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS ,

GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.


********************************************************************************************************************

What is Old?


IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "
Let's go upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "
Choose one, I can't do both!"



IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


IS WHEN. A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.



IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.



IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.


"
OLD"
IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by.... The doctor instead of by the police.
IS WHEN.... "
Getting a little action"
means I don't need to take any fibre today.


"
OLD"
IS WHEN..... "
Getting lucky"
means you find your car in the parking lot.


IS WHEN..... An "
all-nighter"
means not getting up to wee.

Love it Tony

CHERIE BLAIR


Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.



Suddenly, a cow jumps Out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.


Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur :'You get out and check - you were driving.'


The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.


'You were driving;
you go and tell the farmer,' says Cherie.


Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.


'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.


The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'


'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie.


'I knocked on the door and I said to them: 'I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur

and I've just killed the cow.'

CHERIE BLAIR


Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.



Suddenly, a cow jumps Out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.


Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur :'You get out and check - you were driving.'


The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.


'You were driving;
you go and tell the farmer,' says Cherie.


Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.


'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.


The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'


'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie.


'I knocked on the door and I said to them: 'I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur

and I've just killed the cow.'

AIDS WARNING !

To all of you approaching 55 or have REACHED 55 and past, this email is especially for you......... ....

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
GARDENING AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AIDS TO THEIR KIDS!
Not forgetting
HIV (Hair Is Vanishing)
And
AIDS : Acute Income Deficiency Syndrome

Brilliant.

Hmmmm.........well I'm 55 and think I am only suffering from:

tonyb60 wrote:

AIDS : Acute Income Deficiency Syndrome

Post more, Tony, you're getting to be as funny as me?

Life is learning about dancing in the rain and not paying attention to the storm.