First topic message reminder :

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the
worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student;
but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;

and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

I went fishing this morning
but after a short time I ran
out of worms. Then I saw a
cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs…!!!

A senior citizen drove his brand new sports car out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little grey hair he had left. "
Amazing,"
he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a traffic cop behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "
What am I doing? I'm too old for this,"
and pulled over to await the cop's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the traffic cop walked up to the car, looked at his watch, and said, "
Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "
Years ago, my wife
ran off with a traffic cop. I thought you were bringing her back."


"
Have a good day, sir,"
replied the cop.

The Bathtub Test.

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "
How do you
determine whether or not an older person should be put in an Care Home?"


... "
Well,"
he said, "
we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."


"
Oh, I understand,"
I said. "
A normal person would use the
bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


"
No"
he said. "
A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "
Paddy, me ol' mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Pig?"


Paddy says, "
Well Paddy, I'll cut one of de ears off my Pig, and ten we can tell them apart."


"
Ah, dat id be grand,"
says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house.

"
Paddy"
he said, "
Your Pig has chewed the ear off my Pig.

Now we got two pigs with one ear each..

How are we going to tell who owns which pig?"


"
Well Paddy,"
says Paddy,"
I'll cut at other ear off my pig. Ten we'll ave two pigs and only one of them will avan ear"
.

"
Ah tat'd be grand"
says Paddy.

Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house.

"
Paddy"
, he said, "
Your pig has chewed the other ear offa my pig!!!"


"
Now, we got two pigs with no ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which pig?"


"
Ah, dis is serious, Paddy"
said Paddy..

"
I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my pig. Den we'll av two pigs with no ears and only one tail."


"
Ah tat'd be grand"
says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and............you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.

"
PADDY,"
shouted Paddy, "
YOUR PIG HAS CHEWED THE TAIL OFFA MY PIG, AND NOW

WE GOT TWO PIGS WITH NO EARS AND NO TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

HOW DE ARE WE GONNA TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


"
Ah, Bugga it"
says Paddy, "
how's about you ave the black one, and I'll ave the white one"

:LMHO:A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'

(You're going to love this, and you're going to hate yourself for loving it!...)

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck

Wife was sure that her husband was cheating on her with the maid so she laid a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend &
didn't tell the husband. That night when they went to bed the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach, &
went to the bathroom. The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When in he came silently, He wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her... When he finished &
still panting, the wife said:

You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you? &
switched on the light...

No madam,

Said the gardener

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going
to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got
pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last
year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."

Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."

Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"


Paddy says to Mick, "
Christmas is on a Friday this year"

Mick says "
Let's hope it's not the 13th."


Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "
Did you find the shampoo?"

Paddy says, "
Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

Blonde Cookbook

It's fun to cook. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me the extra bowls.

He wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when he brought a friend home for supper

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Today he asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients;
lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday
He did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason he keeps counting to ten.

I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius..I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe. If I can talk him into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming,
'I've won a motor home!
I've won a motor home!'
The waitress says,'That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free Lunch.'

But the blonde keeps on screaming,
I've won a motor home!
I've won a motor home!'
Finally, the manager comes over and says,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken..
You couldn't have possibly won a motor home
because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motor home!'

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...

(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS ! ......

'W I N A B A G E L'

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement. That's when I thought ''Fkin hang about !!!!''

Went to the doctor's this morning.

I said "
Do you treat alcoholics"
?

"
Of course we do"
said the Doctor.

"
Good"
I said "
get your coat on, I'm skint"


[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

The latest European Directive to prepare Britain for entry into the single currency, states that the term 'spending a penny' is no longer to be used. The new term is Euronating.

This one is just the ticket!!!


As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams
“I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters

“Too f**king late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork"

:LMHO:A young boy went to a horse auction with his father.

He watched his father move from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, the boy asked, "
Dad, why are you doing that?"


His father replied, "
Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."


The boy, looking worried, said, "
Dad, I think the postman wants to buy mum."

:LMHO:A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "
Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

The woman answered "
Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "
I dont care who you know! Youre getting a ticket!"