First topic message reminder :

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the
worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student;
but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;

and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Nursing Home sex


Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "
Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "
What?''
"
Sex."
he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "
Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"
I know,"
Frank says, "
but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for awhile."

"
Well, I can oblige,"
says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.
Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "
You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "
Parkinson's"

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "
Where did you come from? How did you get here?"


She replies, "
I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."


"
Amazing,"
he notes. "
You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."


"
Oh, this thing?"
explains the woman. "
I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."


"
But, where did you get the tools?"


"
Oh, that was no problem,"
replied the woman. "
On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron, I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."


The guy is stunned.

"
Let's row over to my place,"
she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and treehouse.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "
It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."


"
Would you like a drink?"


"
No! No thank you,"
the man blurts out, still dazed. "
I can't take another drop of coconut juice"


"
It's not coconut juice"
winks the woman, "
I have a still, how would you like a Tropical Spritz?"


Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "
I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."


No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"
This woman is amazing,"
he muses. "
What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"
Tell me,"
she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "
We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?"
She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "
You mean . . . "
he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes...

"
You.... you....mean ....

You've built a Golf Course"

Marriage

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Glasgow but I worked both sides of the Clyde .

THE SCOTTISH COW

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They

brought the cow from Scotland

. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was

happy.



They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have

to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture

with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move

away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away

from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.



The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise,

tell him what was happening and ask his advice.



"
Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he

approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the

front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the

other side."




The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "
Did

you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland

?"




The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had

brought the cow over from Scotland.

"
You are truly a wise Vet,"
they said. "
How did you know we got

the cow from Scotland

?

The

Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:



"
My wife is from Scotland"

THANK YOU FOR SMOKING

"
Hmm, do you smoke?"


"
No, doctor."


"
That's too bad. If you smoked, you could have stopped, and then you would have felt better.."

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....




I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in
front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.




I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, these buggers have lost the plot!!




I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.




A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said....
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'




My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.




Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.




Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield .
3.1415927 dead




My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her some bathroom scales.




Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.




Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"
What's the matter?"
I asked.
"
I've got the big C,"
he said.
"
What, cancer?"

"
No, dyslexia."





I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.




A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay.
He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.





I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!







The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.







I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.







On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'

Sex On Mars

The year is 2222 and Mike and Margaret land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money,etc.

Finally, Margaret brings up the subject of sex.

“Just how do you guys do it?” asks Margaret.

The Martian responds,” Pretty much the way you do.”

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another..Margaret and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s only got a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
“I don’t think this is going to work”, says Margaret. “Why?” he asks. “What’s the matter?”
“Well” she replies,” it’s just not long enough to reach me!”
“No problem”, he says and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.
“Well,” she says,” that’s quite impressive, but it is still narrow”.
“No problem”, he says and starts pulling his ears. With each pull his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks,” Well was it any good?”

“I hate to say it”, says Margaret,” but it was wonderful. How about you?”

“It was horrible”, he replies. “All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”

Subject: Appetite

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, “Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?”

He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite”.

At lunchtime, she asked him of he would like something. “How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins,or a cheese sandwich?”

He declines. “The Viagra” he says, “really trashes my desire for food.”

“Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat”. “Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?” He declines again.

“No,” he says,” it’s got to be the Viagra. I’m still not hungry.”

“Well” she says, “Would you mind letting me up? I’m starving”.

Didn't know where to put this, so I'll shove it here ...

How close to a railway line would you consider placing your business premises?

[url:38mml5x1]https:
//www.
youtube.
com/watch?v=3_BN7gm4SLA&
feature=player_embedded#at=10[/url:38mml5x1]

Early Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words?
1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM








Answers:






1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

Well, you don't have alzheimers, but you are a pervert!

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year, and every year Bill would say,
"
Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter"


Blanche always replied,
"
I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"


One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
"
Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"


To this, Blanche replied,
"
Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks"


The pilot overheard the couple and said,
"
Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."


Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,
"
By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"


Bill replied,
"
Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know ...
Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

oddball wrote:

Early Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words?
1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM








Answers:






1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

Well, you don't have alzheimers, but you are a pervert!

*nods head* i got the wrong :X...and BERNIE i cant believe you posted this

Catholic Petrol...!!!!

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for Catholic Care of the Aged, was out making her rounds visiting housebound patients when she ran out of petrol. As luck would have it, a Caltex petrol station was just on the next corner.

She walked to the station to borrow a petrol can and buy some petrol. The attendant told her that the only can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with petrol and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with petrol, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the petrol into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street..

One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!

They sent my mates Census form back! In answer to the question;
'Do you have any dependants?', He put;
'Asylum seekers, gypos, smack heads, unemployable ba-****ds, the cast of The Jeremy Kyle Show, Northern Rock, RBS, Ireland, Portugal, Poland and half of f****in' Eastern Europe!' ...apparently this wasn't an acceptable answer!

Yorkshire man
>
A Leeds man walks into a London Branch of his bank and asks for a
>
loan.
>

>
He tells the bank officer he is going to Australia on business for
>
two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
>

>

>

>
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of
>
security for the loan, so the Yorkshire lad hands over the keys and
>
documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He
>
produces the Log Book and everything checks out. The loan officer
>
agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
>

>

>

>
The bank manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
>
rough-looking Yorkshireman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral
>
against a £5000 loan. The bank manager then instructs an employee of
>
the bank to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage, where
>
he parks it.
>

>

>

>
Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the £5,000 and the
>
interest of £15.41.
>

>
The bank officer says to the Yorkshireman, "
Sir, we are very happy
>
to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
>
nicely, but we are a little puzzled ..... whilst you were away, we
>
checked you out further and discovered that you are a multi-
>
millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
>
£5,000"
?
>

>

>

>
The Yorkshireman replies: "
Where else in London can I park my car
>
for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I
>
return.”
>

>

>

>

>

>
Ah, the mind of a true Yorkshireman ..... This is why they survive