Ok Willow here you go!

Gardening made easy!
An old man living alone in South Armagh,
whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison,
didn't have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes.
So he wrote to his son about his predicament.
The son sent the reply, "
For HEAVENS SAKE,
don't dig the garden up, that's where I buried
the guns!!!!!"

At 3 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers
turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours,
but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him
what had happened, asking him what he should do now?
The son sent the reply: "
NOW plant the potatoes!"

Walking into the pub, Patick said to the bartender,
"
Pour me astiff one, Sean. I just had another tiff with
the little woman."

"
Oh yeah,"
said Sean. "
And how did this one end?"

"
Well I'll tell ya now when it was over,"
Patick replied, "
herself came
to me on her hands and knees, she did."

"
You don't say? Now that`s a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "
Come
out from under that bed, you
gutless weasel!


1) Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a headstone with the inscription "
Here lies a politician and an honest man."


'Faith now,' exclaims Reilly, 'I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave.

2) 'O'Toole and his wife are in bed one night and they hear the neighbour's dog is barking its head off in the garden. Somewhat disturbed
by the noise, O'Toole explodes, 'Botheration and that!' and storms off downstairs.
He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks, 'What did you do, O'Toole?'
O'Toole replies with a wide grin, 'I've put the dog in our garden so I did, now let's see how they like it.'


3) Donncha is shocked at finding out all his cows are suffering from "
Bluetongue."
'Bejabbers,' Donncha murmurs, 'I didn't even know they
had mobile phones.'

4) Gallagher is in Boston and he is waiting patiently, also, he is watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

5) The cop stops the flow of traffic and shouts, 'Okay pedestrians'. Then he allows the traffic to pass. He did this several times, and Gallagher is still standing on the sidewalk.
After the cop has shouted 'Pedestrians' for the tenth time, Gallagher approaches him and says, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
'Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?' asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
'Do we now?' came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.

6) Finnegan sells Michael a donkey, some weeks later they met in a pub in Killarney and Michael says, 'Hey, Finnegan, that donkey you
sold me went and died.'
Finnegan just sips his Guinness slowly and retorts, 'Bejabbers, Michael, it never done that on me.'

7) Murphy lost a hundred dollars on the Melbourne Cup, a famous Australian horserace. He also lost another hundred on the television
replay.

8) Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.
'Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,' Kieran said to his friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown my head
off.'

9) O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery.
After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand,' shouted O'Gara, 'Does that mean I get to keep the money?'

10) 'Ah, that was a lovely dress,' announced Colleen, 'and it would have fitted me if I could have got into it, so it would.'

I knew I was asking for trouble if I suggested you told us all an Irish joke, still you learn by your mistakes, but we still :Hearts:you

You know better next time

Now did you know

[size=150:39zfqqdr]A 50-year old woman and a clever man.....

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving she says to the clerk, "
I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"


"
About 32,"
is the reply. "
Nope! I'm exactly 50,"
the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "
I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "
Nope I'm 50."


Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "
Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "
I am 50, but thank you."


While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "
Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."


They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "
What the hell, go ahead."


He slips both of his hands under her BRA and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each one of her...He gently pinches them as well. He pushes her assets together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "
Okay, okay...How old am I?"


He completes one last squeeze of her assets, removes his hands, and says. "
Madam, you are 50."


Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "
That was incredible, how could you tell?"


He replies, "
I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

The teacher was givng an English lesson to her class of 8 year olds,
'Today ' said the young female teacher, 'I want you to give me a sentence with the word 'Fascinate' in'

Little Molly put up her hand and said 'Miss, I went to farm at the weekend and saw the little lambs being fed with bottles, it was fascinating'

'Very good Molly' said Miss but I wanted the word Fascinate not fascinating'

Little Sarah then put up her hand and said 'I watched an old film with my Grandad and I was fascinated'

'Very good Sarah, but again I wanted the word fascinate and you have used fascinated'

Then little Johny stuck his hand up.'Oh God' thought the teacher, because she had had problems with Little Johny before. She paused for a moment and thought 'He surely can't do anything wrong with this word ' So, taking a deep breath she told Johny to go ahead,


Johny said 'Miss, my Auntie bought a new blouse, and it has ten buttons, but because her t**ts are so big she can only fasten eight'

The teacher sat down and cried......

Milk Bath

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "
I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"


The blonde said, "
I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."


The milkman asked, "
Do you want it Pasteurized?"


The blonde said, "
No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."

Shades of Benny Hill and his silly song, 'Ernie, the fastest milkman in the west'.

Don't wash your hair in the shower

It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!

INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT
WARNING TO US ALL!!!

Shampoo Warning!

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!

I use shampoo in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very
Clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"
FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."


No wonder I have been gaining weight!



Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering
With dishwashing soap instead. Its label reads,

"
DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."




Problem solved!

If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!

It was the Scotland/Wales rugby International weekend in Edinburgh and as the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its jaws wide open ready to attack.

The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in red jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.

As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said, 'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now -

'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death'.

The man replied, 'No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!'


'
Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now -

'Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'.

The man replied, 'No you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh;
I'm from London .'

The journalist said, 'Don't worry;
I can see the headline now -

'English Bastard Strangles Family Pet'..

What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "
It might be nice to have another child."


On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "
You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."


I rest my case. Time for another beer.

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.....
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!

This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "
You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"


"
What dear,"
she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"
I think you’re bad luck....."

How to was a cat