First topic message reminder :

Ok Willow here you go!

Gardening made easy!
An old man living alone in South Armagh,
whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison,
didn't have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes.
So he wrote to his son about his predicament.
The son sent the reply, "
For HEAVENS SAKE,
don't dig the garden up, that's where I buried
the guns!!!!!"

At 3 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers
turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours,
but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him
what had happened, asking him what he should do now?
The son sent the reply: "
NOW plant the potatoes!"

Here is your funny for today...

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"
Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."


The old man just groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient.
"
Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."


Once again, the old man just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he
returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled
man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "
All right
buddy what's your name?"

"
Fred,"
the old man moaned.
"
Where ya from, Fred?"
asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "
The balcony."

George is passing by Paddy's shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Paddy doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly boot, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward in a classic striptease move, letting his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .

Grabbing both sides of his chequered shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap onto a pile of hay in the corner

'What on earth are you doing Paddy?', says George.

'Lord tunderin jeezuss, ye frightened the livin crap out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Paddy, 'me and the Missus been havin some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the Therapist suggested I do somethin sexy to a tractor.'

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very

faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on

the Bacardi Breezers.



Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped

in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought

she would take off her panties and use them.


Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and

did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a

grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe

with that.


After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.


The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his

normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he

phoned the other husband and said:

"
These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the

worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"


"
That's nothing,"
said the other husband, "
Mine came back with a card

stuck to her ass that said......

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' "

Keep this up and I'm gunna pee myself!!!

And how many of us have done this So cute

A Little Poem



Another year has passed

And we're all a little older.

Last summer felt hotter

And winter seems much colder.



There was a time not long ago

When life was quite a blast.

Now I fully understand

About 'Living in the Past'



We used to go to weddings,

Football games and lunches.

Now we go to funeral homes

And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,

From parties that were gay.

Now we suffer body aches

And while the night away.



We used to go out dining,

And couldn't get our fill.

Now we ask for doggie bags,

Come home and take a pill.



We used to often travel

To places near and far.

Now we get sore asses

From riding in the car.



We used to go to nightclubs

And drink a lot of booze.

Now we stay home at night

And watch the evening news.



That, my friend is how life is,

And now my tale is told.

So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before
you're too damned old!

Nice one Willow

:Very funny 2:A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

She descended a bit more and shouted, "
Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."


The man below replied "
You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."


"
You must be an engineer,"
said the balloonist. "
I am"
, replied the man.

"
How did you know?"


"
Well, answered the balloonist, "
everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."


The man below responded, "
You must be in management."


"
I am,"
replied the balloonist, "
but how did you know?"


"
Well,"
said the man, "
You don't know where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"

oddball wrote:

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

She descended a bit more and shouted, "
Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."


The man below replied "
You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."


"
You must be an engineer,"
said the balloonist. "
I am"
, replied the man.

"
How did you know?"


"
Well, answered the balloonist, "
everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."


The man below responded, "
You must be in management."


"
I am,"
replied the balloonist, "
but how did you know?"


"
Well,"
said the man, "
You don't know where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"

I suppose you think you can get away with that now that you are going to Bulgaria for three months and leaving management behind

Will you be quiet man :Swoon: - he will hear you and I will never make my escape

Probably been posted before but it always makes me laugh

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman,

'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;
'Do you have vagina'? 'Yes, actually I have,' she says.

The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

By Pam Ayres of course..

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;

... T'was "
Fifty Shades of Grey"
.
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;


She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;


She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"
Step on the other one"
!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;

About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.


Not quite how I remembered Pam Ayres, but never mind!!

Phone rings, woman answers.

The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "
I bet you have a tight **** with no hair?"


Woman replies, "
Yes, he's watching the football - who shall I say is calling?"

:LMHO:I'm passing this on because it worked for me today.

A doctor on TV said, to have inner peace, we should always finish things we start and we will all have more calm in our lives.

I looked around my house to find things I'd started &
hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Jin, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a boks a chocletz.

Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all who need inner pizz. An telum u luvum!

oddball wrote:

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today.

A doctor on TV said, to have inner peace, we should always finish things we start and we will all have more calm in our lives.

I looked around my house to find things I'd started &
hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Jin, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a boks a chocletz.

Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all who need inner pizz. An telum u luvum!

And now you've been a piggy and consumed everything in the cupboard, what's left for poor old Dougie???