First topic message reminder :

Ok Willow here you go!

Gardening made easy!
An old man living alone in South Armagh,
whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison,
didn't have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes.
So he wrote to his son about his predicament.
The son sent the reply, "
For HEAVENS SAKE,
don't dig the garden up, that's where I buried
the guns!!!!!"

At 3 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers
turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours,
but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him
what had happened, asking him what he should do now?
The son sent the reply: "
NOW plant the potatoes!"

thought the group needs some more Jokes.


Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"
"That is remarkable value" Michael comments
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.
That will be 3 euro please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. -
You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."
"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.
"Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"
"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"
"I will never use this bar again"

"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro".

Very clever use of the surname Paddy.

thanks Bazz, at least someone is awake today.
Merry Christmas, assuming Christmas is on the same day as here unlike Easter

Funny Christmas one liners

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stopped at 3 ho's.

Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel

How do you scare a snowman? You get a hairdryer!

Don't Mess With Senior Citizens.


A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth £250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!" 
The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. 

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. 

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have." 

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
"We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here." 
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She Pleaded.

"Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, 
"But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his 
standard response. 

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. 

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. 
"But Madam, this check is for only £50.00" "That's correct" she replied "I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me." 

"But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."    

If this made you laugh, please share it with your family and friends :)

PS, Do I get a good conduct medal, this is my 2000th post on this forum

YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

YES. YES, I DID.. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED FACED,

FAT-ASSED,

GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH
ASKED ME,
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

The Begger     !

Some interesting reading for you..

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Remind me of the letter we go here in BG it said "To the Engish in Silistra"

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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

oddball wrote:

  Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Ha ha , don't give up your day job

willowsend wrote:

oddball wrote:

  Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Ha ha , don't give up your day job

Too late Willow biggest mistake I ever made was giving up my day job, now look what i am reduced to But hey it brought a smile to you so can't be all that bad

Saw this couple weaving all over the street I told them to get a loom ....