First topic message reminder :

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the
worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student;
but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;

and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "
You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."



The cat thought for a minute and then said, "
All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."


God said, "
Say no more."
Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat

The mice said, "
Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "
It is done."
All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "
Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"


The cat replied, "
Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"



Oddy

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.



'First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress hence the enormous smile, Inspector', reports the Coroner.



'Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'



'What of the third body?' the Inspector asked



'Ah,'' replies the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning.'



'So why is he smiling, then?' inquires the Inspector.



'Thought he was having his picture taken'


Oddy

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet...

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush.... Razz

Oddy

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"


The first man approached him and said, "
Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"


The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "
My wife's first husband

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"


The first man approached him and said, "
Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"


The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "
My wife's first husband

Oddy

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licence
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,
'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed
my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....


****************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

And then the fight started.....

***********************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM
NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started... .

************************************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happywith what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible;
I look
old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Well, your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.

***********************************************************


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3am

a loud noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up

from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy ****! That must be my husband!'
So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed. Scared and naked he jumped out
the window like a crazy man. He smashed onto the ground, ran through a
thorn bush, then started to run as fast as he could to his car.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
at the woman, 'What do you mean, ... I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah??? Then why were you running?

And then the fight started.

Oddy

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "
Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather have a job."


The social worker behind the counter says, "
Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.

You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $90,000 a year."


The guy, wide-eyed, says , "
You're Bullshittin' me!"


The Social Worker says, "
Yeah, well... You started it."


A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "
Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather have a job."


The social worker behind the counter says, "
Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.

You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $90,000 a year."


The guy, wide-eyed, says , "
You're Bullshittin' me!"


The Social Worker says, "
Yeah, well... You started it."


Oddy

An Irish christening
>
>
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a
> deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the
> doctor about her baby.
>
> The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The
> babies are fine;
However, they were poorly at birth and had to be
> christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.
>
> The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother
> he's a clueless idiot... Expecting the worst, she asks the
> doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?'
>
> ' Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow,
> that's a really beautiful name, 'I guess I was wrong about my brother',
> she thought....'I really like Denise
>
> Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'











>
> The doctor replies ' Denephew '

Oddy

Ohhhhhhhh this is priceless!!!!!

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard;
I could tell
from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was
well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;

he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and
resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner
of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every
afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to
catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?'


Oddy

My five-year old students are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

"
Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"


I took a deep breath, then asked..."
What did you call it?"


"
It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"


And so it does...



"
A f r i c a n Elephant "



Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?


Oddy

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a
> gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been
> checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to
> talk with her.
>
> Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out
> of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out,
> grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
>
> 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops
> her eye back in place.
>
> 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she
> says.
>
> > > They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards
> they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they
> laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She
> listens.
> >
> After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like
> to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
> They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
>
> > The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the
> trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO
> incredible!
>
> 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect
> woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
> >
> 'No,' she replies. . .
>
> > She says :
> >
> 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
>

Oddy

Please read, its not alot of writing but very funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!




I was packing for a business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. at one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' and stuck out two fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny

fingers in my mouth and said,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, sweetheart?'

She replied,
'What happened to my bogey?'

Oddy

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment to get their
parents
to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one told their stories. Karl
said,
'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time
we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of
the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying
and broke and made a mess.'

'What's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your
eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.
But
we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but
when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this
story is: 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Emily. Connor, do you have a story to share?'

Yes. My mum told me this story about my Auntie Susan. Auntie Susan was a
flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got
hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3
bottles of brandy, a machine ***** with several magazines, and a
machete. She drank all the brandy on the way down so it wouldn't break and
then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine ***** until she ran out of
bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the
blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'What kind of moral did your
mother tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the feck away from Auntie Susan when she's p*ssed.'

Oddy

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of road when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and
drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign
next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,

'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disorientated. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs,

'Please place �100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts �100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:


GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF
ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Oddy

The Hypnotist


A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches

I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'


'No more headaches?' the husband asks,'What happened?'

His wife replies,'Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to

Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat ,

I do not have a headache;


I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache.'

It worked! The headaches are all gone.'

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of

fire In the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the

Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his

Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts

her On the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and

jumps Into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'Boy, that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I'll be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even

Better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is

spinning.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.


This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,

she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,


She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife!'


His funeral service will be held on Saturday

Oddy

Think before you speak...
> Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - The last one
> is great!
> Have you ever spoken and wi shed that you could Immediately take the words
> back...
> Or that you could crawl into a hole?
> Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
>
>
> FIRST TESTIMONY:
> I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
> and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
> I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
> My husband didn't say a word... He knew better.
>
>
> SECOND TESTIMONY:
> I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf ******. I was
> unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
> several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who
> works at the store.
> He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
> 'I think I like playing with mens ******'
>
>
>
> THIRD TESTIMONY:
> My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
> variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case,
> the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
> I replied, 'No, I'm just lo oking at your nuts.'
> My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned
> beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
>
>
> FOURTH TESTIMONY :
> While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
> some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
> her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
> I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be
> punished.
> To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
> threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
> saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening
> after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
> doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
> with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed
> behind me, were screams of laughter.
>
>
> FIFTH TESTIMONY:
> Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My th
> ree-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on
> him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in
> between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying
> my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
> seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had
> not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he
> said 'No'. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I
> don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you
> didn't have an accident?'
> 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because
> the smell was getting worse. Soooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you
> have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, Bent
> over, spread his cheeks,
> And yelled, 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
> While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly
> pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel
> better,thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
>
>
> LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
> This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
> embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
> before she speaks.
> What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? We had a female news
> anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
> turned to the weatherman and asked:
> 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
>
>> Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they
> were laughing so hard!
>>
Oddy