First topic message reminder :

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the
worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student;
but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;

and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.

He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.

He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received.

But the old Sergeant Major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to 'drop 'em,' which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sergeant Major's penis and began to work back.

Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old Sergeant Major replied, 'Basra.'


Oddy

BBQ RULES
>
> We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season.

Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
>
>When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
>
> Routine...
> (1) The woman buys the food.
>
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
>
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - drink in hand.
>
> Here comes the important part:
>
> (4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
>
> More routine...
>
(5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
>
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with the situation.
>
> Important again:
>
> (7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
>
> More routine...
>
(Cool The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
>
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
>
> And most important of all:
>
> (10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
>
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.'

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...

Oddy

Julie Andrews Turns 69, this is hysterical

To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > >
(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> >
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it

Oddy

These are all so funny but the Old lady one has my vote I can just imagine that happening to some frisky guy in a pub

Got to agree from a mans point of view the old dear one is

I'll let you know which one I liked best when I stop laughing

Ok I'm back and I agree its the old lady one and I only managed to get George bush once

Ok Guys glad you liked them I will post another lot tomorrow evening [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Oddy

Ok just this one to see how clever you lot really are

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A PRESCHOOLER?????? J


Management Test




This is a test for Intelligent People. I have determined that you qualify.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you if you are qualified to be a professional.

Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tested whether you tend to do simple things In an overly complicated way.


2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?


Did you say, Open the refrigerator, Put in the elephant, And close the
Refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, Put in the elephant and close the door.

This tested your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend....except one. Which animal does

Not attend?



Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

This tested your memory.



Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, You still have one more chance to show

Your true abilities.


4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you

Manage?


Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles

Are attending the animal conference. This tested whether you learn quickly from

Your mistakes.


According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions

Wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively

Disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Oddy

Hope you do better than me I only got 18






THIS IS TO BE DONE FROM MEMORY!!...NOT BY PEEKING AT SOME OF THE OBJECTS THAT ARE NEAR YOU!

Okay everyone try your memories......to check your power of observation.
Just click on 'TEST' below:

[url=http:
//www.
oldjoeblack.
0nyx.
com/thinktst.
htm:3er27rud]TEST[/url:3er27rud]

A Think Test

Oddy

Enjoyed the quiz but I only scored 21 [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Nice quiz that I only scored 15

14

It said "
pretty good"

Well done everyone!!! But so far top marks goes to our lovely

Sarah and Chris great score guys!!!

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] :Mexican 2:

I just cannot tell you how our Ashley did

Oddy

21 for me too ... some of the 'american' stuff caught me out (I haven't got a clue, nor would I want to know how many hot dog buns are in a standard pack ha ha!)



Good fun though.