First topic message reminder :

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the
worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student;
but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;

and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

:Headbang:Tried to delete it and put it in expats lounge.... :Headbang:Am I thick or what......cannot delete this post, so please do it for me or give me some ideas, even tried in help section...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Kahl1963 wrote:

Tried to delete it and put it in expats lounge.... :Headbang:Am I thick or what......cannot delete this post, so please do it for me or give me some ideas, even tried in help section...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

No worries all done now and brilliant joke to

tonyb60 wrote:

Hi Kahl thanks for the joke but can you please put all jokes in the section entitled Ex Pats Lounge.

We use this area just in case young one's read these things where there is a warning just in case there is any adult content.

Thank you

Tony

....am I too young to read this? :LMHO:it's funny hehehe (chuckle)

Since my purchases came to $19.06, I handed the cashier a twenty.

"
Do you have six cents?"
she asked.

"
Sorry,"
I said after fishing around my pockets, "
I have no cents."


"
Finally,"
she muttered, "
a man who can admit it."

A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. "
It's
only a stone's throw away from the beach,"
he was told.

"
But how will I recognize it?"
asked the man.

Back came the reply: "
It's the one with all the broken windows."

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Clearwater, Florida.
They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks
10 cents'.

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be
true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,
'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ordered a
martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced
martinis...shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each,
please.' The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at
each other...They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents,
finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again
saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.' They pay the 40 cents, but their
curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and
so far they have spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says,
'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a
piece?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Boston, the bartender said, and I always wanted
to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $125 million and decided to
open this place. Every drink costs a dime......wine, liquor, beer, it's all
the same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story, says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice
seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of
them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man
gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the
bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired farts from Canada , they're
waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his
young wife in floods of tears. "
Darling, whatever is the matter?"

he asked.

"
Sweetheart,"
she sobbed, "
the most terrible thing has happened! I
cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of
the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from
answering the phone,"
she sobbed again. "
I found that the cat had
eaten it!"


"
Don't worry, darling,"
said her husband. "
Don't cry. We can get a
new cat tomorrow."

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

"
Parting Shot"

Overheard on the elevator: "
Their marriage was going O.K. until they bought
a water bed... then they started drifting apart."

When Love Fades...

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when
I heard my wife's' sweet voice from the kitchen.

"
What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef
or lamb?"


I said, "
Thank you, I'll have chicken."


She replied "
You're having soup, asshole. I was
talking to the cat."

The Top Ten Reasons God Made Women

God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he
wouldn't ask for directions.

God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote.
(Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV;

they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)

God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.

God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one
for himself.

God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.

God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be
able to handle labor pains and childbirth.

As "
keeper of the garden,"
Adam would need help in finding his tools.

Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else
that was really his fault.

As the Bible says: "
It is not good for man to be alone."


And the No. 1 reason of all . . .

God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: "
I can do better than that"

The correct way to treat a good wine...
Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
If it does not look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me;
and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

Typical

HOW TO START A FIGHT

WARNING!!!!
Men, don't try this at home!!!!!

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas
gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"
Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "
Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"
I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "
Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"
Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.
I asked her, "
Do you know him?"

"
Yes"
, she sighed,
"
He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"
My God!"
I said, "
Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "
When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "
What's on TV?"

I said, "
Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50
mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now
with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "
The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "
And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "
I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my
age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"
I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "
Your eyesight's damn near perfect."


And then the fight started.....

To long for me George sorry lost track of this one

Short and sweet for you Carmen

=======================================================================

A stark-naked drunken woman jumped into a vacant cab.
The Asian driver immediately froze, just kept on staring at the woman and
made no attempt to start the car.
"
What's wrong with you sunshine, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman
before?"

"
I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be
proper, where I am coming from"
.
"
Well if you're not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?
"
Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping
the money to be paying me with?"

fantastic

Working people frequently ask retired people what

they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I

went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,

how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an “asshole” . He glared at me and started

writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres.

So Mary called him a “shit head”. He finished the

second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it

and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.