First topic message reminder :

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the
worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student;
but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;

and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Four times a year me and 3 mates have a weekend away fishing. It was my turn to do the organizing so i rang my mates, John, "
yeah"
. Paul, "
count me in"
. Dave, "
Awe sorry mate, i'll have to give this one a miss, it's er indoors birthday, sorry"
, "
No probs"
I said "
next time eh"

Well, we gets down to the Lake in Wales and who's there? Dave already set up and fishing!!! WTF "
I thought you said you couldn't come?"

Er well it's like this, I gets home form work, wife had been reading 40 shades of grey, the lights were dimmed, she poured me a glass of champers and we ate a fantastic candlelit dinner. When we finished, she asked me if i would like to go upstairs, "
ok"
she took me by the hand and led me to the bedroom, she removed her dress, underneath all she had on was a small "
babydoll"
nightie and tiny panties, she procceded to lay on the bed, she tied her feet to the bottom bedposts and handcuffed herself to the top bedposts,and then whispered "
Dave, please please do what you want"

So here i am!

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” Asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time.” Said the Marine.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

"
How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?"
he asked.
"
I don't know,"
she replied.
"
You don't know,"
he said "
Because the government doesn't WANT you to know!"

It was entertainment night down at the senior citizens centre.

The community singing was led by Alice, playing some old favourites on the piano. Then it was time for the star attraction;
Claude the Hypnotist.
He took to the stage and surveyed his excited audience, 'Tonight, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am going to hypnotise you all' There were gasps from the assembled geriatrics, 'Yes, thats right, I am going to hypnotise each and every one of you' And with that he produced from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful Gold Pocket watch and chain and held it aloft.
'This watch' he said 'has been in my family for generations, now keep your eyes on the watch and only on the watch' He gently swung the watch back and forth, to and fro, all the time repeating 'Watch the Watch, Watch the Watch' in a gentle reassuring voice that carried all round the room. The watch was watched by 150 pair of eyes as it swung, gently, back and forth. Lights reflecting off it as it drew in its audience.
Suddenly, the chain snapped and the watch fell to the floor and shattered into pieces of glass and metal
'S**t' shouted Claude......
scroll down















Claude was never invited back to the senior citizens club..


It took them three days to clean up!!!!


Ray

Subject: Eric is in hospital

Who the hell is Eric ?

Well Eric is the geezer who got home late one night and Marilyn his wife, says "
Where the hell have you been?"
Eric replies "
I was getting a tattoo!"


"
A tattoo"
? She frowned. "
What kind of tattoo did you get?"


"
I got a hundred quid note on my privates"
he said proudly. "
What the hell were you thinking"
? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "
Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred quid note tattooed on his privates?"


"
Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred quid anytime you want."


Eric is now in The Manchester Royal Infirmary, Critical Care Unit, Room 233. No visitors until further notice.

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'at home,' I explained. ! 'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.


Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card..
My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God. It came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people...

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home.... But milk was.


All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. He had to get up at 6AM every morning.


Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.


Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?


MEMORIES:


My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.


How many do you remember?


Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about
Ratings at the bottom.

1.Candy cigarettes
2.Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
3.Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5.Newsreels before the movie
6..TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])
7.Peashooters
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records
10.Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with lever
12. Blue flashbulb
13.Cork popguns
14. Studebakers
15. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered

11-15 =You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX?


Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having!

Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:


Sex with your wife - Legal &
General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.

Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

Sex with a posh bird – Privileged

Sex with a prostitute- Commercial Union ;


Sex with your maid- Employer's Liability.

Sex with an OAP - Saga !

Sex resulting in pregnancy- General Accident

and finally -

Sex with a transvestite - confused.com

that's a good one Tony

tonyb60 wrote:

ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX?


Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having!

Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:


Sex with your wife - Legal &
General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.

Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

Sex with a posh bird – Privileged

Sex with a prostitute- Commercial Union ;


Sex with your maid- Employer's Liability.

Sex with an OAP - Saga !

Sex resulting in pregnancy- General Accident

and finally -

Sex with a transvestite - confused.com

This one is right up my street Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

oddball wrote:

that's a good one Tony

Come on Berni, It's St Patrick's Day and you must know a couple of good Irish jokes, there's hundred's of them