First topic message reminder :

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the
worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student;
but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;

and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and says: "
I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco's.
You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. On August 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.
So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.
P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better.

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"
Shit Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"


"
Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"


I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "
Do whatever you want."


So . . . . here I am !

:LMHO:Jumping On the Bed - Gotta love women~

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "
Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look, What's the matter with you?"


The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "
I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old"
..

The husband said, "
What did he say about your 56 year old bum ?"


"
Your name never came up,"
she replied.

(Men . . . They just never know when to shut up, do they?)

:LMHO:I was so cheesed off last night. Two blokes called at my door and asked what bread I usually ate.
When I said,"
White!"
they gave me a lecture, for a full 30 minutes, on the benefits of eating brown bread.........

I think they were just Hovis witnesses !!!

At Asda buying a bag of Bakers Choice for my dog, while in the check-out line a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT ??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Bakers Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Bakers Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a kerb to sniff a poodle's arse and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Better watch what you ask me and be prepared for my answer.

:LMHO:Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car. Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.' Operator: 'What is your location sir?'Paddy:'Outside number 28 O'Shaunessy Street.' Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?' Silence....and after a minute. Operator: 'Are you there sir?'More silence and another minute later. Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'This goes on for another few minutes until.... Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?' Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn’t spell O'Shaunessy, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street.'

If walking was that good for you then postmen would be immortal,
Whales swim all day, eat fish but they are still fat!
Rabbits hop round all day, have lots of sex but still only live for 5 years.
Tortoises, dont do much and do it slowly but live for hundreds of years.

I think I'll follow the tortoises example.

Also as I've gotten older I tend to think more about the hereafter..... I walk into a room and wonder what I'm here after!!!

ray

On New Years Eve I suggested to my wife that we could begin making love
before midnight and continue into the New Year thus effectively making love
from one year to the next.
"
Let's wait until the 10 second count down and then begin."
I said.
"
Perhaps we should wait until it reaches 5 seconds.......just to make sure !!"
she said.

New Year passed uneventfully !!

A man in a shop stops a sales assistant and asks 'Are the Irish sausages in this aisle?', the shop assistant asks the man 'Are you Irish?' The customer freaks out and shouts, 'Just because I want Irish sausages you ask if I'm Irish, If I asked for a Polish sausage, Would you have asked if I was Polish?'
The sales assistant says 'NO'
The man continues his rant, 'If I had asked for a Bratwurst, would you have asked if I was German?, If I asked for some Italian sausage would you have asked if I was Italian?
Sales Assistant again says No and the man replies 'So why then why I asked for Irish sausages did you ask if I was Irish.
'Because' says the sales assistant, 'This is Halfords'

Boom Boom

MENTAL AGE ASSESSMENT TEST

The following was developed as a Mental Age Assessment test by the psychiatry unit at Havard University.

Take your time and see if can read each line aloud without mistake.

NO CHEATING!!!

The average person over 40years of age cannot do this.

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fool cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.








Got me too!!! Ray

Fab that is brilliant and now on facebook.

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.
She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"
Look,"
he said. "
My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large].
The word condom wont even be used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "
350"
.

The girl panicked.
She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"
Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs"
her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "
Yes !"
she said "
He's got one hanging there"
!

The boss said "
Go back in and give him £3-50......................
He's the Window cleaner!"

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ....... back and forth ..... back and forth ..... in and out ..... in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding ... her face was flushed ... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"
OK, OK! I can't park the f*****g car! You do it, you SMUG b*****d!"