First topic message reminder :

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the
worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student;
but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;

and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

One from Tony Hit the link below the player and have the sound on

Sisters - Ann, Jan and Fanny.
Once there were 3 sisters - Ann, Jan and Fanny. All 3 had big feet. Ann was a size 9, Jan was a size 10 and Fanny was a size 13. Ann and Jan went on a double date.
Amazed, one of the boys said, "
God, you two have big feet."

Ann replied, "
You think they're big, you should see our Fanny's, they're massive!"

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”

The second woman responded, “Oh, that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”

“Whoa,” replied the first woman. “I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”

:LOL2: :Roll laugh:

Thank you George that was much better for me and very funny to

"
Managerium

The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.

This element has no protons or electrons, but has a
nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5
junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and
125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in
circles.

Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which
time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews
leading to reorganization.

Its molecules are held together by means of the
exchange of tiny particles known as morons. "

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross
in front of him;
the other one the Star of David.

Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat
of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the
beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of
David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and
says:

"
My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this
city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if
you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're
sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give
to him just out of spite."


The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the
other beggar with the cross and said:

"
Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

tonyb60 wrote:

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”

The second woman responded, “Oh, that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”

“Whoa,” replied the first woman. “I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”

:LMHO:XaXaXaaaaa Omg I love this one LOL

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor.



She yelled out for her husband, "
Bruce! Bruce!"




Bruce came running in.



"
Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor,"
she said.



"
S'truth,"
Sheila Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "
You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get me mate Cobber"
.



They came back and they both tried to pull her up.



"
No way, we can't do it,"
Cobber said, "
so let's try Plan B."




"
Plan B,"
exclaimed Bruce, "
what's that?"




"
I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her,"
replied Cobber.


"
Spot on, "
Bruce said, "
while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."




"
Play with her nipples?"
Cobber said, "
not exactly a good time for that mate!"




"
No,"
Bruce replied, "
but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper!!

Now that really is disgusting, Tony ::

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that
morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will
remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.. So
when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and
by the way Happy Birthday ! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You
know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do
you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..'


I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's
go !'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose
instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and
I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful
day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop
by my apartment, it's just around the corner..'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you
don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be
right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all
singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there.... On the couch.... Naked....

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poo..

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine &
beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poo,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!

INDIAN WINTER


It's late Fall, and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota
asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old
secrets.
When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be
like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was
indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect
firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'



'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at
the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
firewood in order to be prepared.



A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still
look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be
a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every
scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are
you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied.
'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest
winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'The
Indians are collecting a pile of firewood.'

A woman and a baby were
in the doctor's examining
room,


Waiting for the doctor to
come in for the baby's first
exam.


The doctor arrived, and
examined the baby, checked
his weight, and being a little
concerned,


Asked if the baby was
breast-fed or bottle-fed.


'Breast-fed,' she replied.


'Well, strip down to your
waist,' the doctor ordered.


She did.
He pinched her nipples,
pressed, kneaded, and rubbed
both breasts for a while in a
very professional and detailed
examination.


Motioning to her to get
dressed, the doctor said,


'No wonder this baby is
underweight.


You don't have any milk.'


I know,' she said,


'I'm his Grandma,


But I'm glad I came'.

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate
funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife,
Helen turned to her oldest friend.

"
Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased,"
she said.

"
I'm sure you're right,"
replied Jody, who lowered her voice
and leaned in close. "
How much did this really cost?"


"
All of it,"
said Helen. "
Thirty thousand."


"
No!"
Jody exclaimed. "
I mean, it was very nice, but
$30,000?"


Helen answered. "
The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to
the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500.
The rest went for the memorial stone."


Jody computed quickly. "
$22,500 for a memorial stone? My
God, how big is it?!"


"
Two and a half carats."