First topic message reminder :

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the
worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student;
but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;

and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual experience in picking lemons?'
'Well, as a matter of fact, yes!' she replied.. 'I've been divorced three times.'
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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
'Young man, we're both 90 years old,' the husband said. 'We may not have 45 minutes.'
They were seated immediately.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom;
the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your coffin, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
The first guy said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man.'
The second man commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
The third fella said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
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A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord.... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million pounds mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
The man asks, 'Can I have a penny?' The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
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A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she goes with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath, calm down and tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
'Take the poison.'

Oddy

What I am going to write is not a joke it's a true story , but it has made a few titter when hearing it

For as long as I can remember I have been a Professional Photographer, concentrating mainly on Weddings during the latter years

I was booked to cover a wedding at a lovely church in the Cotswolds. I always arrive at the church at least one hour before guests start to arrive and I introduce myself to the Vicar and have a chat as to what I am allowed to do and not do. Vicars can be so different some don't let you take photos during the service and some couldn't care less. This particular one was great, he said you can do what you like but don't flash in the church. I burst out laughing and he said I knew that would make you laugh
Anyway we did the church bit and moved on to the wedding breakfast and low and behold the Vicar turned up. After the food, the toasts and cutting the cake etc. I sat with the Vicar and had a pint and we got talking about different things. I said I will be 70years old next year and I must think about retiring, otherwise I will the first blind photographer in the country, He chukkled and said I wouldn' worry about that , it has got to be better touching than looking
Then I ask him, what are you thoughts about retirement. He said I will be 64 years old on my next birthday so I replied when will you know when you have had enough, He said when I fancy the brides mother rather than the bride

That was the type of Vicar I like working with because he is a human being but doing his job in God's house, and when you work with a Vicar like that it reflects in the quality of the photo's

Very good Willow

Oddy

New rhymes for you to practice

>
> A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts.
>
> Dr Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
>
> She did this faithfully for several months!
>
> She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
>
> Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
>
> A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?'
>
> 'Yes I am.. How did you know?'
>
> He, winked and whispered, 'Hickory dickory dock...'


Oddy

It's a good thing my wound has healed or I'd look like a prune now after reading these

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little b******

Oddy

Love it oddball keep em coming like this

A SMALL GLIMMER OF HOPE IN THE GLOOM !


Viagra' is now available
in powder form
for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance
but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

Oddy

They are also producing a smaller size tablet. As there were too many complaints from people who had trouble taking the things and ended up with a stiff neck

Love both the Viagra jokes

Have you heard abot the new cheap to purchase multi-purpose contraceptive pill

Paracetamol

Place gentley between the knees, saves all the headaches [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

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To: Tech Support

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of the phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0, but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Jonathan Powell


To: Mr. Powell

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "
UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT"
program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything.

It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than their original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony / Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPSs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The
best course of action will be to push the apologize button, then the reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFS. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very
high maintenance.

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "
I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"


"
About 35,"
was the reply.

"
I'm actually 47,"
the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "
Oh, you look about 29"
.

"
I am actually 47."


Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "
I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."


As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "
Okay, it's done. You are 47."


Stunned, the man says, "
That was brilliant. How did you do that?"


The old lady replies, "
I was behind you at McDonalds."

Glass of Wine












To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't and are always

seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poo..

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poo,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of ******.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!

Two London businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "
I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."


No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Yorkshire-man walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked "
What's tha sellin' ere?"


One of the men replied sarcastically, "
We're selling arse-holes."


Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshireman said, "
Tha's doing well ... Only two left!"


The moral for Southerners –

Don't mess with Yorkshiremen!!!