Happy Hangover!
Congratulations! You have all the symptoms of that classic morning-after-the-night-before. So you down a pint of cold water because you surmise, correctly, that your hangover results partially from dehydration, don your shades, stuff some strong mints in your mouth and head to work (if you have to) or, alternatively, prepare to face the wife and two screaming children. Yet all you want to do is crawl into a hole for 24 hours. Maybe that’s not possible. So how will you cope?
Firstly, listen to Mother Superior. Prevention is better than cure. The more you consumed and the less water you drank and the darker your poison of choice, the worse the whips and chains will be next day.
Some mixtures are more lethal than others. For example, I hope you’re not reading this having consumed champagne and whisky because there’s little we can do for you. In fact, you’re probably throwing up right now. So, above all, stick to one brew. Never mix, never worry!
Back to the hangover. Here we examine the effectiveness of 10 survival tips, not to cure you, because that’s not really possible – but rather designed to make you feel part of the human race again.
10 survival tips
1. If you are so severely immobilised that even breathing is laboured, then you may have to resort to the "
hair of the dog"
formula. Indeed, if you mixed your drinks, this could be your only salvation. Blend a little of what you had in a shaker. If, for example, you consumed port, white wine and brandy during your bender, then this should be your morning after panacea. If you were just drunk on vodka, then you need to stand under a proverbial vodka waterfall. Don’t do this too often, however, because you could be on the road to alcoholism.
2. In Bulgaria, ayran is apparently THE formula for hangovers, although yoghurt on its own is also effective. Take some plain yoghurt with some honey while lying down. Let it lubricate your throat, gargling for a long time before swallowing;
it’s oddly comforting.
3. A personal favourite is diet-coke with great quantities of ice and lemon. The late Sammy Davis Jr, the self-confessed "
hangover expert of all time"
, swore by this remedy and – no doubt naysayers may disagree – but I’ve always found cola to have great restorative powers. Perhaps that’s also why my teeth have fallen out! Anyway, take a couple of painkillers with it. If you don’t like cola, an alternative fizzy drink will help you. Perhaps it’s just the effervescence that makes you feel better, hence the popularity of a certain dissolving tablet.
4. Black coffee. This never worked for me;
indeed it even exacerbated my headache. The cola mentioned above is more effective and provides all the caffeine you need.
5. The traditional English breakfast: Sausages, tomatoes, eggs, beans, bacon and toast. If you can you hold it down – and I admit that the "
if"
is very big here – you WILL feel better. Once the fry-up has settled, you can have a pint of beer. This is particularly effective if you were drunk on beer the previous night on the same "
hair of the dog"
thesis already mentioned.
6. A cold shower. Scrub meticulously – then brush your teeth at least twice – followed by 30 press-ups and 10 minutes’ running on the spot. Then take some ice cubes and rub them into your face and eyes.
And if you believe that then you will swallow anything, sucker! Personally, the work-out theory has never worked out for me but I don’t really like exercise. The only possible exception could be diving into a cold ocean or pool. The shock of immersion may get those dormant vital organs pumping again.
7. A really long walk. The only form of exercise I could abide. Ensure that you are either sucking on sweets or chewing gum the whole time. Don’t stop to rest even for a few seconds because you won’t get up again. Just stroll on and let your mind wander to any subject other than booze.
8. Tripe soup (shkembe chorba). Personally, I’ve never found any soup effective when countering a hangover, perhaps tarator being the exception. So, I suspect this supposed remedy is actually a load of old tripe.
9. Sleep. Compare these two experiences. You were really drunk the night before but slept uninterrupted for eight hours. You will feel worse than if you had woken up once and then returned to slumber. It must be something to do with the fact that, in the latter case, the body is kidding itself it has had two nights’ sleep. So, if you stagger home drunk, you could annoy your partner by setting the alarm for 4am, waking up – drinking some more water, of course – and then returning to sleep. Ha ha!
10. Sex. Yes, that’s right – leaving the best to the last – strangely a little nooky the day after a heavy drinking session can be invigorating. When you’re hungover, the brain is reeling from a chronic oxygen deficiency. Orgasm is heightened with oxygen deprivation, so if you are able to – er – perform, you may find this a particularly rewarding experience and you may even feel better for it afterwards. See, hangovers do have their advantages!
Thu Dec 31, 2009 5:30 pm
