First topic message reminder :

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the
worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student;
but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;

and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Wow brilliant I also tried it several times with other people and it worked every time
sarah

How to retrain a rude parrot









Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "
clean up"
the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep... for over a minute.

Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said "
I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"
May I ask what the turkey did?
Oddy

Husband: Love.....
Wife: Leave me alone! Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep now.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: All right.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: For heaven's sake, feel your way.
Wife: There! Do you feel better?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Yes, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open,
do it yourself!!!!!

Oddy

oddball wrote:

How to retrain a rude parrot









Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "
clean up"
the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep... for over a minute.

Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said "
I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"
May I ask what the turkey did?
Oddy

I was mesmerised by this and wondered what the punch line would be ?

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the
buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW.. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have n ice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff

completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your private part is under your pillow.'

MEN NEVER LISTEN
Oddy

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...



Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Olde r Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in pla stic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn *****.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that y ou have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the t runk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!


Don't Mess With Old Ladies


Oddy

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews

And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;


Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

The men to a large metal door and handed

him a *****.


'We must know that you will follow your

Instructions no matter what the circumstances.


Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

In a chair ... . . Kill her!!'


The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

Never shoot my wife.'


The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

For this job. Take your wife and go home.'


The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the ***** and went into the room. All was

Quiet for about 5 minutes.


The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,

But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't

Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home..'


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the

Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the

***** and went into the room. Shots were heard, one

After another. They heard screaming, crashing,

Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was

Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the

Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.


'This ***** is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to

Beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
Oddy

I will probably get banned for this one!!!!! Sorry Ash



> A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year
> school children, using a bowl of fruit Polo's.
>
> He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked
> them to identify them by colour and flavour.
>
> The children began to say: 'Red............cherry,'
>
> 'Yellow.........lemon,' 'Green..........lime,'
>
> ' Orange ........orange.'
>
> Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos.
>
> After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify
> the taste.
>
> 'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
> sometimes call your father.'
>
> One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:







>
> 'Oh My God!!!! ...........................They're ass-holes!!'

Oddy

Am I banned yet!!!

Oddy

And yet more funnies from Bernie, I don't read them all as I would get cramps in my stomach from laughing

Oh Ash, that is so funny I don't know where you come up with them. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Oddy

As it says above Another one from Bernie, I wonder who she is

Oh awwwwwwwww we will have to watch her Ash, I am sure she is border- lining - You might have to ban her Recon she could be trouble Ash!!

Oddy

Very funny but this is what happens up and down the country? why don't we just get rid of all the Gp's and and visit the receptionist instead