First topic message reminder :

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the
worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student;
but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;

and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

A few years ago, Joseph was finally given an exit permit by the
Russians and allowed to emigrate to Israel to join his family. He
was told that he could only take what he could pack into one
suitcase. At the Moscow airport he was stopped by an enormous
customs officer who glared at him and snarled, "
Open the case!"

Joseph opened the case and the Russian rummaged through the meagre
belongings and pulled out a large bundle wrapped in old copies of
Pravda. He unwrapped it to reveal a bust of Stalin.
"
What is that?"
snarled the customs officer.
"
What is that?"
said Joseph timidly. "
You shouldn't ask 'What is
that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is our glorious leader
Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the
wonderful things that he did and the marvellous life that I am
leaving behind."

"
I always knew that you Jews were mad!"
said the official, tossing
the bust into the case. "
Go!"

A few hours later Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion airport and was
confronted by an Israeli customs officer. "
Shalom. Welcome to
Israel. Open the case!"

Once again Joseph's belongings were examined and the customs officer
came upon the bust.
"
What is that?"
said the customs officer.
"
What is that?"
said Joseph indignantly. "
You shouldn't ask 'What
is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is the bastard,
Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the misery
and suffering that he caused me for most of my life. I want to spit
on it every day for the rest of my life."

"
I always knew that you Russians were mad!"
said the official,
tossing the bust into the case. "
Go!"

At last Joseph arrived in his new home and eventually got around to
unpacking, watched by his young nephew. He took out his few clothes
and then carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on a
table.
"
Who is that?"
asked his nephew.
"
Who is that?"
said Joseph with a smile. "
You shouldn't ask, 'Who
is that?' - You should ask, 'What is that?' That is five kilos of
gold and a bit of black shoe polish."

Shloyme Seltzer has become rich and wants to show off,
so he orders his driver to drive him to this new
exclusive golf club with his new Cadillac.

Unfortunately a sign at the door unmistakably states
that Jews are not permitted access. The driver wants
to return home, but not Shloyme!

Shloyme says: "
Wait here for me."


His driver responds: "
But don't you see the sign?
They'll kick you out immediately!"


Shloyme says, "
I don't have to tell them I'm Jewish."

and he leaves for the gate.

So the driver waits... One hour... two hours... three
hours. After three and a half hours, Shloyme is kicked
out by two body-builder type guardsmen.

The driver asks: "
What happened?"


Shloyme says,"
Everything was fine until we played hole
number eight! Accidentally I shot my ball into one of
these ponds. I shouted: 'Oh, my G-d, what'll I do
now?' And then the waters separated and everybody
knew..."

The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"
I've had a pretty good life,"
the twenty proclaimed.
"
Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ."

"
Wow!"
said the one-dollar bill. "
You've really had an exciting life!"

"
So tell me,"
says the twenty, "
where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

The one dollar bill replies, "
Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , and the Lutheran Church ."

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "
What's a church?"

It was Christmas day in the workhouse

The Unoks they were there

Watching the Harem maidens combing their lovely hair

When Santa Clause came down the chimney

His voice echoed around the walls

Saying what do you want for Christmas

The Unoks all shouted

Balls

"
Unoks"
?????? It's Eunuchs

Glad you noticed George just making sure that you are paying attention

Just a test for me, then, Tony??

Four married men were happy playing golf early on a Saturday morning…



During the 4th hole the following conversation began:


First Man: Bet you’ve no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing today...
I had to promise my wife that I’ll paint the sitting room next weekend.

Second Man: That's nothing;
I had to promise mine I’d build a new deck for the pool.

Third Man: You both have it sooo easy! I had to promise my wife that I’ll remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole,… and eventually realize that the fourth Man hasn’t said a word.

So they ask him: 'You haven't said anything about how come you were let out to play golf today. What's the deal?'

Fourth Man: I just set my alarm for 5 am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on her ass and said: 'Golf course or intercourse? ' She said: 'Wear sun-block’.

This is not a joke but very true read to the end.

Tony

FromThis is something we should all read at least once a week!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old,

"
To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more"
:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry;
God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I
had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and
run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a
virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they
caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up
all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and
Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very
unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in
Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months
later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary,
Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and
Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to
guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be
reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab
93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which
can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before
uninstalling itself.

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,

'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.

'I had bugger all', he says, 'B-U-G-G-E-R A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada . Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.

That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.

Apple does it again!


Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Ha Ha

A man returning home a day early from a business trip
got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he
would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having
an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the
house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.
The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket
back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "
Don't do it! This man has been very
generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money."

"
He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for
our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake."

"
He paid for our country club membership,
and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "
What would you do?"

The cabby said, "
I'd cover him up with that blanket
before he catches a cold."

I like that one George