HomePortalLatest imagesRegisterLog in

altText
altText
altText
altText
altText
altText

Share
 

 This is so funny some of the content may be offensive

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
Go to page : Previous  1, 2, 3 ... 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12  Next
AuthorMessage
oddball
Moderator
Moderator
oddball

Posts : 7312
Join date : 2009-10-20
Age : 65

This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Empty
PostSubject: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Icon_minitimeSun Mar 17, 2013 1:26 pm

First topic message reminder :

Ok Willow here you go!

Gardening made easy!
An old man living alone in South Armagh,
whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison,
didn't have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes.
So he wrote to his son about his predicament.
The son sent the reply, "
For HEAVENS SAKE,
don't dig the garden up, that's where I buried
the guns!!!!!"

At 3 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers
turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours,
but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him
what had happened, asking him what he should do now?
The son sent the reply: "
NOW plant the potatoes!"
Back to top Go down

AuthorMessage
krypton
Super user
Super user
krypton

Posts : 860
Join date : 2009-08-19

This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Icon_minitimeThu Jul 14, 2016 12:54 pm

Love it Brian This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 1865348797
Back to top Go down
oddball
Moderator
Moderator
oddball

Posts : 7312
Join date : 2009-10-20
Age : 65

This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Icon_minitimeSat Jul 16, 2016 7:54 pm

This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 1865348797 This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 1865348797 This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 1865348797

Paddy took two stuffed dogs He had onto the Antiques Roadshow..... "Ooh," Said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were in good condition?"..... "Sticks?" He replied.

Love it La
Back to top Go down
Roadworker
Junior user
Junior user
Roadworker

Posts : 28
Join date : 2010-02-12

This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Icon_minitimeTue Jul 19, 2016 9:14 am

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he
noticed
a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off
the sides and
a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The
girl had
tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run
your
rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you
could go
faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren.' This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 1865348797
Back to top Go down
oddball
Moderator
Moderator
oddball

Posts : 7312
Join date : 2009-10-20
Age : 65

This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Icon_minitimeTue Jul 19, 2016 1:36 pm

La La La La
Back to top Go down
oddball
Moderator
Moderator
oddball

Posts : 7312
Join date : 2009-10-20
Age : 65

This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Icon_minitimeWed Jul 20, 2016 7:52 pm

g g g g
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Back to top Go down
oddball
Moderator
Moderator
oddball

Posts : 7312
Join date : 2009-10-20
Age : 65

This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Icon_minitimeWed Aug 10, 2016 4:43 pm

WARNING TO DRIVERS
I just filled the car up with petrol didn't notice i'd spilled some on my sleeve, going down the motorway lit a fag and sleeve burst into flames, opened the window and stuck my arm out to try and blow out the flames and the BL**DY coppers stopped me and are now doing me for having a fire arm without a licence
Back to top Go down
oddball
Moderator
Moderator
oddball

Posts : 7312
Join date : 2009-10-20
Age : 65

This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Icon_minitimeThu Sep 08, 2016 8:08 pm

La La La

A young farm kid wrote home after joining the marines with this hilarious letter. A version of this has been floating around the web for a while, but a reader recently submitted this slightly altered version, and it’s a great read. Check it out below.

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting used to it, so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice
Back to top Go down
willowsend
Mega user
Mega user
willowsend

Posts : 2271
Join date : 2009-11-10
Age : 84
Location : Dobrich

This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Empty
PostSubject: Important Information   This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Icon_minitimeThu Sep 22, 2016 10:56 am

Important information ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX?

Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having!

Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.

Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

Sex with a posh bird – Privileged

Sex with a prostitute- Commercial Union ;

Sex with your maid- Employer's Liability.

Sex with an OAP - Saga !

Sex resulting in pregnancy- General Accident

and finally -

Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com
Back to top Go down
justbazz
Super user
Super user
justbazz

Posts : 1127
Join date : 2015-07-16
Age : 75
Location : Plovdiv

This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Empty
PostSubject: subject   This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Icon_minitimeThu Sep 22, 2016 7:22 pm

Love both of these...especially the letter home.  La La

T...both.
Back to top Go down
oddball
Moderator
Moderator
oddball

Posts : 7312
Join date : 2009-10-20
Age : 65

This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Icon_minitimeSat Sep 24, 2016 6:44 am

La La La Brilliant have to pinch that one Willow and put it on facebook g
Back to top Go down
oddball
Moderator
Moderator
oddball

Posts : 7312
Join date : 2009-10-20
Age : 65

This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Icon_minitimeFri Oct 07, 2016 6:15 pm

La La La

Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem. This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 2381841692
Back to top Go down
willowsend
Mega user
Mega user
willowsend

Posts : 2271
Join date : 2009-11-10
Age : 84
Location : Dobrich

This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Empty
PostSubject: Cider advert   This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Icon_minitimeFri Oct 07, 2016 6:58 pm

If I am a naughty boy Admin then you better ban me from the forum
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Back to top Go down
justbazz
Super user
Super user
justbazz

Posts : 1127
Join date : 2015-07-16
Age : 75
Location : Plovdiv

This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Empty
PostSubject: subject   This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Icon_minitimeFri Oct 07, 2016 9:44 pm

La La La La La T
Back to top Go down
willowsend
Mega user
Mega user
willowsend

Posts : 2271
Join date : 2009-11-10
Age : 84
Location : Dobrich

This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Icon_minitimeFri Oct 21, 2016 10:30 pm

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

Another one for you
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
Back to top Go down
oddball
Moderator
Moderator
oddball

Posts : 7312
Join date : 2009-10-20
Age : 65

This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Icon_minitimeWed Dec 21, 2016 7:59 am

I think I am the luckiest person alive. One bit of good fortune after another.

First of all, I was the 1 millionth visitor to some mad website I mistakenly clicked on(Big fat hoes in pantyhose) I Pressed the congratulations button, and that's me won an I Pad.

Then, some Russian dolly fancies me , and wants to get married . I Had to send the airfare over in cash, Normally she would manage that herself but shes been wiped out with vets bills for her grandads budgie. Personally I would have just flushed the wee thing down the toilet, but obviously she is a caring women, and that's why I love her.

Then, Just when I thought things couldn't get better, I get an e-mail from this Nigerian chap called Dr Amoko Kyombo. Personally I have no recollection of ever meeting this guy, but apparently we met on his travels and he wants to re pay me for my generosity and human kindness.

I remember buying a couple of pints and a nip for coloured chap in the Pillars bar one night, but that was because somebody told me he was Lenny Henry, and I was that peed I believed them. It Must have been this Dr Amoko Kyombo. Anyway, this bloke believes one good turn deserves another, and is away to stick $40,000,000 in my bank account. I Just had to give him all my bank details and that's it.

I've Never been so happy in my life, If I'd been a dog my tail would be wagging like hell.

There's been a couple of minor annoyances, my computer is riddled with virus's and is running slow as anything, The Bank of Scotland's system is playing up, I banked a crisis loan for £132.46 last week, but my available balance is showing, Feck all pounds & Feck all pence, and Anyetta my darling bride to be, is three hours late, and I'm standing here at Edinburgh Airport, freezing my fecking plums off !
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Empty
PostSubject: Re: This is so funny some of the content may be offensive   This is so funny some of the content may be offensive - Page 8 Icon_minitime

Back to top Go down
 

This is so funny some of the content may be offensive

View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 8 of 12Go to page : Previous  1, 2, 3 ... 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12  Next

 Similar topics

-
» This is so funny some of the content may be offensive
» Some of the content may be offensive (Media only)
» Various funny video ie New police code 1739
» Travel Content Writer Needed/English Content Writer Needed
» Has Something Funny Happened to You in Your Life

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
 :: ExPat Lounge-